Funny e-mail

Sometimes you just got pass it on. This was an e-mail I got today from a friend...

As we progress through the year 2010, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
 
I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
 
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
 
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.
 
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.
 
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom.
 
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in 
the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope
that needs sealing.
 
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
 
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
 
I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
 
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.
 
I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
 
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
 
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
 
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
 
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.
 
I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
 
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
 
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.
 
I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
 
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
 
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan...
 
I no longer buy cookies from Woolies since I now have their recipe.
 
THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
 
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a coin dropped in the
parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
 
 
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
 
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. Tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband’s cousin’s best friend's beautician. .
 
Oh, by the way.....
 
 A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that
 people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
 
 Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
 
P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. Out of the toilet.
 
 NOW YOU ALL HAVE YOURSELVES A VERY GOOD DAY......AND A HEALTHY LIFE......